The First

The first boy I ever loved

Was in love with another

He didn't have eyes for anyone else,

Anyone else apart from her 

I watched his heart break 

When she said she too, loved another

His pain was so familiar

The exact image from my mirror 

This helped me gain perspective

And see the bigger picture

And realize that my pain

Made me a fixer upper 

And so I dealt with my hurt

By helping him get over his

A chance to help ease his agony

Was something I wouldn't miss 

And I think I got the closure 

That I needed for 4 years

In that one group video call

Where all our feelings became clear 

He still doesn't know 

That I loved him so fiercely

But that's what I get 

For acting so weasel-y 

Now all 3 of our hearts 

Are safe with new ones

The pain, long forgotten

Though we were all hurting once

The Second

The second boy I ever loved is a different tale all together

This time it was a slower burn, reducing us into embers

You remember, that December, when you decided you were the emperor

Of everything in my realm, constantly overwhelmed

My senses with the power you stripped away from myself

I tried to leave, but I was tied to the hitching post of your self-pity

Your agony, your suffering, your constant lack of clarity

Of  yourself, making it my job to stay and be your remedy

I watched myself slowly lose all the little bits of me

Just to watch them being crushed up

And fed into your broken psyche

Your ego, your last blow, the guilt trips,

The "don't go"

You made leaving hard, and staying even harder

My peace for your security, that’s how we bartered

There are a lot of wounds within me, which are still yet to heal

But to be honest I'm grateful, because you taught me how to feel

You taught me what love is, what it means to be affectionate

You taught me of the thin line between passion and hatred

And the true teacher wasn't you, but the entire experience

Because  your first broken heart can leave you quite delirious

The way you cope with it will define who you are

If you take it with grace or if you go to war

Times will change, tides will change and so will the scars

The courage and the strength you gained will stay in your heart

So to sum it up, I'm grateful to the second boy I loved

My first real love, my first everything, so loud and so proud

We're strangers now but I don't think either of us regret it

Let's take what's ours and leave, we no longer have to protect it.

The Third

The third boy wasn't  loved

And was not a boy either 

The only purpose of this title is to confuse you, my dear reader.

My third romantic encounter

Was with a cruel mistress 

Who played the victim too often

The classic damsel in distress 

She smelled like spices, like a grandmother's masala box

Her hair had me in a trance

Those long, luscious soft locks

She had lips that I dreamt of pressing mine against

We both wanted each other, and that's how we commenced

But our romantic endeavor was a misadventure at best

There were only losses, we failed all the surprise tests

I thought I loved you and I asked for your hand

Even when I knew you were with another man

I was convinced that I'd make you happier than he did

But now I know, that love was perfect, the exact way you received it

You deceived me, retrieved me, you caught and released me

You toyed with my heart like you didn't believe me

When I revealed I needed you to relieve me

Of every single thing around that grieved me

Your job was to make a choice and stick with it

But instead you wobbled, in infidelity you dabbled

Zig zagging between us, leaving all of us scrambled,

Me, you and him as well

All fucked up cause you couldn't tell

What you wanted, the options were way too luxurious 

Choose between two people who love you,

Is that really so tedious? 

Your indecisiveness shattered lives.

Your infidelity slew minds.

You tainted my name

By putting all of the blame

On me, cause I was far too drawn to your flame

Don your white robes, I'll cut you some wings

The hooved feet only appear when you need your things

The way you want them, how you want them and where and when you want them

Cause when have you ever thought about anyone but yourself 

My sweet, bloody rose

You were the hardest hit

You turned me into something I despised

An infidel piece of shit

I've forgiven the others, but I don't think I'll forgive you

You took from me everything I could ever give to you

And then took me for granted, like I didn't matter

And that's why I think you need to get smarter

You were a blushing little secret, but now you're a bruise

Cause at the end of it, all you did was make me feel used.

The One-I

Another December, a year after I was free

You looked me in the eye, and told me you loved me

To be honest, I knew before you even said it

Your feelings were all on your face and I read it

You were my constant through all these years

You had seen the anger, the mania, the panic and the tears

Losing you had always been my biggest fear

And because of that the answer I gave you was unclear

I saw the hurt, but you brushed it off and took it like a champ

And I thought it was a small thing, not worth giving a damn

I didn't realize how deeply your feelings ran

Till the day you took off running, like a wanted man

You were my wanted man, but it took me time to understand

You were always my true North, my anchor, my homeland

When I denied us both the love we so clearly deserved

It wasn't because my mind was particularly reserved

It was because I didn't think that I deserved you

Couldn't fathom I was good enough to be loved by you

And the scars from my past led me to believe

That if I let you in, you would just leave

My track record of bad decisions left me convinced

That I would drive you completely unhinged

I told myself that karma would surely get me

By making you acquire a lover besides me

And I knew I wouldn't survive if my heart went through that

Because your sleeve was where my heart was buried at

So I blamed the panic attacks, the stomach aches and the anxiety

And listed them as reasons as to why you shouldn't be with me

You took it with grace, my co- captain, my best friend

But what I didn't see coming was that it all would soon end

The way you left was something I couldn't comprehend

Your absence wasn't something my mind could mend

But I tried to find strength in your absence

Called it my steps towards independence 

From the inside I was crumbling

On the outside I was scrambling 

To make it look like I didn't need you

When all I wanted were your views

Your opinions, your two cents,

Your hot takes, your common sense

Your gentle touch, your warm eyes

Why oh why, didn't I realize 

That what I was feeling was love, 

There's no other way to put it

I thought I was above

Reopening my emotional toolkit