The One-I

Another December, a year after I was free

You looked me in the eye, and told me you loved me

To be honest, I knew before you even said it

Your feelings were all on your face and I read it

You were my constant through all these years

You had seen the anger, the mania, the panic and the tears

Losing you had always been my biggest fear

And because of that the answer I gave you was unclear

I saw the hurt, but you brushed it off and took it like a champ

And I thought it was a small thing, not worth giving a damn

I didn't realize how deeply your feelings ran

Till the day you took off running, like a wanted man

You were my wanted man, but it took me time to understand

You were always my true North, my anchor, my homeland

When I denied us both the love we so clearly deserved

It wasn't because my mind was particularly reserved

It was because I didn't think that I deserved you

Couldn't fathom I was good enough to be loved by you

And the scars from my past led me to believe

That if I let you in, you would just leave

My track record of bad decisions left me convinced

That I would drive you completely unhinged

I told myself that karma would surely get me

By making you acquire a lover besides me

And I knew I wouldn't survive if my heart went through that

Because your sleeve was where my heart was buried at

So I blamed the panic attacks, the stomach aches and the anxiety

And listed them as reasons as to why you shouldn't be with me

You took it with grace, my co- captain, my best friend

But what I didn't see coming was that it all would soon end

The way you left was something I couldn't comprehend

Your absence wasn't something my mind could mend

But I tried to find strength in your absence

Called it my steps towards independence 

From the inside I was crumbling

On the outside I was scrambling 

To make it look like I didn't need you

When all I wanted were your views

Your opinions, your two cents,

Your hot takes, your common sense

Your gentle touch, your warm eyes

Why oh why, didn't I realize 

That what I was feeling was love, 

There's no other way to put it

I thought I was above

Reopening my emotional toolkit